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Funny poems page - Free funny poetry

This is the place to search for a funny poem for that special friend. The best resource for quotes and funny poetry.

Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck.~Eli Wallach

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.~Robert Heinlein

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.~Billy Connolly

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.~Billy Connolly

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.~Chic Murray

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.~Tommy Cooper

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.~Eric Sykes

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.~Scott Roeben

I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.
~Geoffrey Parfitt

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.~Les Dawson


I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette. Anthony Hopkins

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
Les Dawson

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby

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