The Perfect Gift

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#37 The Perfect Gift
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world so politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "elves" -
"vertically challenged" they now called themselves.

And labour conditions up at the North pole
Were alleged by the Union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Freed to the wilds by the humane society

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced by four pigs, of all the things stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh:
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A
And people had started to call for the cops
Upon hearing sleds run across their rooftops.

Second hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened;
His fur-trimmed suit was dubbed "unenlightened".
Then to prove the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolph was suing for unauthorised use of his nose...

And had gone on TV in front of the nation
Demanding six mill, overdue compensation.
So half the reindeer were gone, and his wife,
Who suddenly decided she's had enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion!

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute,
Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot,

Nothing that clamoured and made lots of noise,
Nothing for girls and nothing for boys,
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets, they are bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Ken and Barbie, (better off hidden)

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No basketball, no football, someone could get hurt -
Besides, playing sport exposed childrent to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist and oh so passé,
and Nintendo would rot their brains away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He couldn't figure out what he should do next.

He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay
(Though you must be so careful with that word today).
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground -
Nothing acceptable to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering left or right.
A gift that would satisfy with no indecision
Each group of people from every religion.

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere, even you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth:
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette. Anthony Hopkins

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
Les Dawson

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby

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