The Mammagram

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#28 The Mammagram
I was booked to have a mammogram,
on a bus that comes around.
I waited ten minutes at the stop
outside the football ground.
Thought I might have missed it
when it pulled up at the kerb.
I mimed "Is this for the mammogram test?"
He nodded, I don't think he heard.

I jumped on with me clean, flesh-colour bra,
'Cross Your Heart' with a double-D tag.
Changed 'em while waiting outside for the bus,
stuffed the dirty ones in me bag.
It was getting late and raining.
Time to eat, and I was dying of thirst.
So I started to undress as I moved down the aisle.
After all ... I was the first.

The windows were misted over,
no curtains or blinds anywhere.
Tho' the destination board did say 'Private',
I was nervous 'cos me top half was bare.
Awaiting with arms folded,
it was only eight degrees.
I looked around for equipment ...
that could do the job with ease.

They have to be pressed at different angles.
Bit like lemons squeezed over a trout.
The only thing I could see ... that might work
were the doors you come in and go out.
It was difficult 'cos they were either end,
impossible to reach.
Didn't matter how I stood,
I couldn't get one in each.

I rang the bell ... for attention.
By then I could have cried.
I did when the doors flew open
to a roaring cheer outside.
I was so embarrassed ...
I looked a sight ... you're not wrong,
standing there in front of forty men
without a scrap of makeup on.

The driver shouted, "I don't know what your game is.
You'd better get dressed.
I'm hired to get this football team ...
to Manly's ground for the test."

Some of 'em vomited.
I was touched by the others.
They thought it might bring 'em luck
for the game against The Brothers.
We won by seven hundred and fifty points,
I'm now the team's mascot.
Touched before every game
whether they're playing or not.

I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette. Anthony Hopkins

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
Les Dawson

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby

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