Guard Dog

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#149 Guard Dog
I'm a dog with a very firm bite
I'll give you rabies any old night.
I'll give you sprue, beriberi and gout
If you just so much as nuzzle my snout!

I've got fleas that are big as a bird
They can suck you dry in seconds, I've heard.
I've got worms that are bigger than eels
So if you're wise then take to your heels!

Don't touch my tail and don't touch my paws
I'll give you dysentery, leprosy, yaws.
Don't scratch me if you don't want to itch
I'm this world's most impossible bitch!

Don't even think of stroking my fur
You'll get nine complaints from this perilous cur.
Carotid damage may well be your fate
If you just so much as open this gate.

I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette. Anthony Hopkins

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
Les Dawson

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby

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